alas, when i finally feel like i have thoughts to express, i have my laptop handy for me to pour it all out via typing. ('cause i often get inspired but no computers are around, then i lose my insight and it's gone forever)
friendship. i have troubles in that category. nothing big, no major bitch vs. bitch hair pulling, gossip spreading, claws all out, regular cat fight extravaganzas, nothing like that. but in terms of maintaining friendship, feeling enriched and inspired by the nature of it, being motivated and free-flowing and experiencing a genuine lighthearted easiness around my friends, yeah, i have a problem with that. sometimes i wonder if i expect too much, if i'm too serious or too stiff on my morals, too aloof, too temperamental. i'm usually the first to distance myself, and poof, there goes the friendship. not getting too sentimental here, but just a thought. the reason behind this post was NOT too reminisce and reflect, but to vent, as i always do.
so, to whom this may concern, although you won't read this, here's what i think: you, amongst all my friends, are one to judge. you of all people should NOT be judging me, if we're talking about a comparison spectrum here. in terms of accomplishments you have earned no more than i have, which are few, very few to be more accurate, and although shameful it is only the truth. so saying, you of all people should not be the one to judge me. but in all fairness, you are an individual and are entitled to your own thoughts, feelings, expressions, etc. that's okay. but when you're given the rare responsibility of calling yourself a friend, you are forewarned that your actions will have a stifling effect on your fellow peers, especially one as sensitive as i. i am the farthest fricken thing from being the perfect person. i'm stubborn and unforgiving, passive and stagnant and worst of all, i don't take judgment all too well. in the end i'll accept it, but you'll have to let it on me easy. that's something that you have never done for me.
not only are you not particularly supportive, but you are also endlessly discouraging. you always check in on me, i'll give you that, but after you ask about my life, you scoff and joke about my failures, and any ounce of success that i have ever achieved, you laugh and act all surprised, because, whoever knew anything good could come out of shirley? and when i ask why it is that you react this way, you say, 'well, you can't blame me, i'm just not used to expecting anything from you.' i don't say it to your face, but it really does hurt. despite a reasonably tough front, i have a pretty bruised up ego and am in an extremely fragile state of self-esteem. i'm plagued with uncertainty and self-doubt and immense confusion about pretty much everything that's going on and to top it all off, a fading personality, and you come into my life on a daily basis just to stomp on and completely annihilate what i have left of myself?! am i just expecting too much from you?! do you think that i need some sugarcoating or sweet talking and expect infinite praises from you in order to save my ego?!
i'll let you know that i don't, that's not what i'm asking of you. but i mean as a friend, shouldn't you be on my side, or by my side at that? no matter what happens, shouldn't you have just a little more faith in me? and if i seem to be in a slump, instead of letting me sit there or fall even further, shouldn't you try to help pull me out of it? i mean, if i was to be drowning in the ocean with tidal waves all around, as a friend, i really don't expect you to jump in after me and attempt to save my life. i don't expect you to put yourself at risk for me, 'cause after all, our friendship is not a movie. these things don't happen. but i do expect you to, i don't know, throw in a life-jacket, or a life-preserver, or just any random piece of something in order for me to hold on and survive. i expect you to believe that i will make it out of that water. and when i do get past the drowning portion of this metaphoric storyline, i expect you to sign me up for swimming lessons so that i can grow better and stronger on my own, and i expect you on the sidelines, cheering me on, truly believing in the possibility of my potential. and when i finally become the best swimmer i can ever be, we'll head back to the ocean one more time, so that now, we can swim together and watch out for each so that neither one of us will ever drown again. THAT'S what i expect from you. not for you to treat me like a child and do everything for me, because god knows i don't want to be a hindrance for anyone, but i do expect for you to support and encourage me, and have faith in me, pushing me to be the best person i can become, and never giving up on that belief.
you, good old pal, have failed me in that sense. all that you can ever say in any given moment is that whenever i fall short, it's expected of me. i tolerate it now, but sooner or later, i will do the same to you. and when you come to me asking why i'm being so cold and heartless, i'll only tell you that it was you who taught me how.
hmm. accurate or not?! How You Approach Life and How You Appear To Others Cautious, prudent, and rather self-contained, you are a person who approaches life realistically and who is not inclined to take foolish chances or get carried away by the overly optimistic or idealistic schemes of starry-eyed dreamers. In fact, you frequently have a jaundiced view of such things. You are rather worldly-wise at a fairly young age, even something of a cynic. Often the world doesn't seem like a safe, friendly place to you, and you tend to approach life in a guarded, conservative manner. You are generally calculating and careful, and are rarely spontaneous, fluid, open, and childlike.
The Inner You: Your Real Motivation You are, in many ways, an eternal child. Your mind is bright, alert, curious, flexible, playful, and always eager for new experiences - and your attention span is often quite brief. You grasp ideas quickly and once your initial curiosity has been satisfied, you want to go on to something else. You crave frequent change, variety, meeting new situations and people.
SO. it's okay for YOU to not do shit if you're "in a hurry" but when I'M in a hurry, i'm expected to do all the shit that you've left for me to do. I'm not allowed to use the same excuse, because oh what, you're the mom and i'm the kid so your words are law, making it okay for you to make all the fucking excuses in the world, and even though i'm just as human as you are, 'cause god you should know, you made me, i'm still not allowed to have the privilege of being excused bestowed upon me. WELL, you should've made that clear the day i was born, save me from all the confusion you know, so i can find some OTHER loophole to back my way outta the shit that you love to throw all over me. baggage, is what i call it. when i think about not having you around, i grow sad. it's the only part of me that i feel will always be human, no matter all the things that happen. but sometimes, more often than not, i feel like you weigh me down. you rarely make me laugh, i find it hard to be close to you, i can't be myself around you, and i'm constantly suffocated by the shadow you cast upon me. i have to live under this little shell so that i'd always be yours and for that you'd always be happy. when one day i leave you before you're ready for me to leave, please understand that you helped push me away. harsh my words may be, and perhaps ungrateful, for you've done just as much for me as all mothers in the world have willingly done for their children. and that i will never forget or take for granted. i'm just saying, sometimes i cannot breathe around you, and i find a billion ways to hide myself so i wouldn't have to deal with your criticism. i hate to think that that's the extent of our relationship, but often it feels that way. but again this is a moment's feeling, it'll probably fade soon enough, but most definitely it'd return just as quickly. it doesn't mean i resent you or love you less, it just means you're slowly and gradually killing my spirit without knowing it. and i will never tell you either, you'll either have to figure it out for yourself and change or keep being the way you are. despite all this i will still defend you when you're in need. you are much weaker in society than you are in a household. so whatever shit you're going through that's making you psychotic at home, i really truly hope you'll pull it together and get over it.
just thought that this was nice. yikes i also realize this is like the first time i've uploaded anything onto a site, i remembered trying this when asianavenue or xanga first got started n everybody totally pimped their page and i didn't know how to so i was all, 'i don't give a shit' when i really truly wanted it to be awesome but just couldn't do it. so yayyy, after what, half a decade?! i finally figured out how to actually put stuff on here! i know i know there's that embed code that you just copy n paste but like, i still think this is an accomplishment of some sort!
and also, the dudes playing below enjoy the music so much that they may come off as somewhat nonheterosexual. but that's only 'cause they love the music so much, so excuse the part where they're mouthing off w/ the music.
a new insight to explain why i'd prefer my dad over my mom (despite it being close to mother's day): she likes to put me down. so perhaps i don't always deserve praise. after all, i'm not like all those other outstanding young adults in the world, pouring in the cash and buying property or whatnot. (although, i'd like to point out that unlike western parents, she does not expect me to move out anytime soon or ever for that matter, she thinks kids should always live with their parents because it's a societal responsibility or something. i guess it's some traditional asian filial piety thing, or maybe it's the burden of being an only child, who knows.) anyways, as i was saying, i'm definitely far from outstanding and not a wee bit brag-worthy, and perhaps whatever praises i've ever gotten were undeserving, but i mean like, who takes away praise when it's already thrown out of someone else's mouth?! it was a simple occurrence, barely noteworthy, but in a spur of the moment decision i've decided to spend my friday night making sushi, seeing i had avocados ready to be eaten at home. my skills at making a foreigner's idea of japanese cuisine has improved i guess, because the stuff i made looked muchhh much better than the crap i've tried making before, so impressed with myself i placed my considerable success onto a plate and arranged it in a somewhat orderly fashion so my parents could have some when they get home. they come home, see it, and go like, "oh wow, that does look edible!" which i responded to by doing a mental leap of triumph, because like i said, this was massive improvement from what i've done before. my dad then makes the mistake of going, "oh wow, you're so 'gwai', making sushi for us and cleaning everything up after..." THEN my mom takes it upon herself to interrupt this and say "THAT IS THE DUMBEST REASON TO CALL SOMEONE 'gwai'!!! first of all, she made that for HERSELF, these are pretty much leftovers. she doesn't do jack shit at home, she rarely does chores, she doesn't help me with dinner, she doesn't even clean up her own goddamn room and you call that 'gwai'??! don't drag two completely irrelevant things and force it together, it doesn't work that way, i totally don't think she deserves to have that word used on her!", then my mom abruptly walks out and casually goes back to what she was previously doing, seemingly unprovoked and at ease. basically, she interrupted my dad for the sheer purpose of disallowing him to praise me, not because she was angered by his statements or wanted to prove a point, she simply just wanted to take back what was rightfully mine, my dad's kindness in words. she seemed as if the statement was fine on its own, but she didn't want me to have it because i didn't deserve to or that i have yet to earn the privilege. but who the fuck does that?! thanks mom, so maybe i'm in a slump right now but you know what you're right, i do need to be further discouraged. what, praise? nonsense! nobody needs that! i mean why make people feel an ounce better when they can feel worse right?! ugh. moms. ughhh.
