| | alas, when i finally feel like i have thoughts to express, i have my laptop handy for me to pour it all out via typing. ('cause i often get inspired but no computers are around, then i lose my insight and it's gone forever)
friendship. i have troubles in that category. nothing big, no major bitch vs. bitch hair pulling, gossip spreading, claws all out, regular cat fight extravaganzas, nothing like that. but in terms of maintaining friendship, feeling enriched and inspired by the nature of it, being motivated and free-flowing and experiencing a genuine lighthearted easiness around my friends, yeah, i have a problem with that.
sometimes i wonder if i expect too much, if i'm too serious or too stiff on my morals, too aloof, too temperamental. i'm usually the first to distance myself, and poof, there goes the friendship.
not getting too sentimental here, but just a thought. the reason behind this post was NOT too reminisce and reflect, but to vent, as i always do.
so, to whom this may concern, although you won't read this, here's what i think:
you, amongst all my friends, are one to judge. you of all people should NOT be judging me, if we're talking about a comparison spectrum here. in terms of accomplishments you have earned no more than i have, which are few, very few to be more accurate, and although shameful it is only the truth. so saying, you of all people should not be the one to judge me. but in all fairness, you are an individual and are entitled to your own thoughts, feelings, expressions, etc. that's okay. but when you're given the rare responsibility of calling yourself a friend, you are forewarned that your actions will have a stifling effect on your fellow peers, especially one as sensitive as i. i am the farthest fricken thing from being the perfect person. i'm stubborn and unforgiving, passive and stagnant and worst of all, i don't take judgment all too well. in the end i'll accept it, but you'll have to let it on me easy. that's something that you have never done for me.
not only are you not particularly supportive, but you are also endlessly discouraging. you always check in on me, i'll give you that, but after you ask about my life, you scoff and joke about my failures, and any ounce of success that i have ever achieved, you laugh and act all surprised, because, whoever knew anything good could come out of shirley? and when i ask why it is that you react this way, you say, 'well, you can't blame me, i'm just not used to expecting anything from you.' i don't say it to your face, but it really does hurt. despite a reasonably tough front, i have a pretty bruised up ego and am in an extremely fragile state of self-esteem. i'm plagued with uncertainty and self-doubt and immense confusion about pretty much everything that's going on and to top it all off, a fading personality, and you come into my life on a daily basis just to stomp on and completely annihilate what i have left of myself?! am i just expecting too much from you?! do you think that i need some sugarcoating or sweet talking and expect infinite praises from you in order to save my ego?!
i'll let you know that i don't, that's not what i'm asking of you. but i mean as a friend, shouldn't you be on my side, or by my side at that? no matter what happens, shouldn't you have just a little more faith in me? and if i seem to be in a slump, instead of letting me sit there or fall even further, shouldn't you try to help pull me out of it? i mean, if i was to be drowning in the ocean with tidal waves all around, as a friend, i really don't expect you to jump in after me and attempt to save my life. i don't expect you to put yourself at risk for me, 'cause after all, our friendship is not a movie. these things don't happen. but i do expect you to, i don't know, throw in a life-jacket, or a life-preserver, or just any random piece of something in order for me to hold on and survive. i expect you to believe that i will make it out of that water. and when i do get past the drowning portion of this metaphoric storyline, i expect you to sign me up for swimming lessons so that i can grow better and stronger on my own, and i expect you on the sidelines, cheering me on, truly believing in the possibility of my potential. and when i finally become the best swimmer i can ever be, we'll head back to the ocean one more time, so that now, we can swim together and watch out for each so that neither one of us will ever drown again. THAT'S what i expect from you. not for you to treat me like a child and do everything for me, because god knows i don't want to be a hindrance for anyone, but i do expect for you to support and encourage me, and have faith in me, pushing me to be the best person i can become, and never giving up on that belief.
you, good old pal, have failed me in that sense. all that you can ever say in any given moment is that whenever i fall short, it's expected of me. i tolerate it now, but sooner or later, i will do the same to you. and when you come to me asking why i'm being so cold and heartless, i'll only tell you that it was you who taught me how.
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| | Posted 7/1/2009 4:56 AM - 10 Views - 0 eProps - 0 comments
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