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| what do you do when the ice is getting thinner?
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| you really think i want this.
you really truly believe that i chose this.
well in my world, plagued with realism and at times cynicism too,
sometimes, you just can`t go back.
you can wish for it and pray for it and beg for it even, make deals with god with the devil with yourself, but you just can`t go back.
sometimes you fuck up and that`s that.
of course you can always choose to move forward, to get past it, to make things better.
but when wounds heal they leave a scar.
mine just happens to be bigger, scarier, more pervasive and regrettable than any one you have ever come across.
so don`t you fucking dare think that i wanted this. don`t you fucking dare accuse me of it.
i`d trade my life for yours any day, that`s how much i want out.
so please. don`t fucking make it worse. don`t remind me of what i have to live with every single fucking day. i already fucking know it, well enough to last me a fucking lifetime.
my coping abilities have already surpassed my own expectations. i`m sincerely amazed at how i can still keep it together in front of everybody. tear my mind to fucking shreds. i can`t live like this anymore. i can see myself deteriorating, feel myself dying, ever so slowly, undetectable, but ever so present.
i have to get past this, or that`s the end of me.
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| randomly came across this. don't know if it's been around before, but i don't recall reading it so it's new to me.
Kissing is a habit
Fucking is a game
Guys get all the pleasure
Girls get all the pain
The guy says i love you
You believe its true
But when your tummy starts to swell,
He says 'to hell with you'
10 minutes of pleasure
9 months in pain
3 days in hospital
A baby without a name
The baby is a bastard
The mother is a whore
This never would've happened
If the rubber hadn't torn
lol. i derno why, found it funny. just wanted to post it.
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| my mind's been in one of its most conflicted states lately.
every thought opposes another.
i feel hot, cold, dead, alive, happy, drowning, growing, suffocating, weary, melancholic, hopeful, hopeless, excited, bitter, present, nonexistent.
sometimes i don't know where i am, or why i'm there.
i don't know what i'm doing.
i don't know what i'm thinking.
i don't know what i'm feeling.
i look into the mirror and feverishly wonder, who the fuck am i?
lost. yes, i feel that. why though? i don't know.
it's a funny thing, when one has such extreme mood swings, emotions that are on polar ends of one another, yet expressing, quite simply, nothing.
can you read me? i wish you could, i really really do. it's not impossible, but you're not gonna do it. you're going to randomly guess an answer, assume it to be true, and stick with that. so sure, i'll be whatever you want me to be, as long as it's convenient for you.
i hate how my mind chooses to dwell on things of the past, things that weigh me down, things that drag me a couple of steps backward every time i manage to move forward an inch or so. it's so so psychologically tiring, i don't even know how i manage it.
stagnant. that's what i've become.
i'd ask you to save me, but i know only i can do that.
oh, and a note to self, never drive after drinking. no matter how much you drank, no matter how big of a rush you are to get home, no matter how 'fine' you think you feel, no matter how reluctant you are of being an inconvenience to your friends if you were to ask them to drive you instead. just don't do it. be smarter than that, and be better than that.
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| okay so maybe i'm a little more forgetful than i thought i was.
meh i'm still trying to be a better person, everyday. not always successful though, i'll admit, but effort counts?
btw, HEY BITCH. stop being one.
anyways, on to why i'm here at this particular moment.
i hate it when you compare mom.
it already sucks when you compare me to other kids, other more brilliant, more intelligent, more successful kids, those children that are the pride and glory of the family name, those ones where parents talk about all day long to rub in the achievements of their own child into other parents' faces. i'm sorry i'm a bigger failure than you anticipated, i don't know if i'll ever live up to your expectations however high or low your standards are, maybe i will maybe i won't, and i'm sorry if you'd have to live with disappointment.
but i hate it even more, much much more, when you compare dad to other dads. you take away his credit as husband and father, you constantly compare him to the husbands of your colleagues, your friends. you make him sound as if he'd never be on par with all those other men, because he doesn't make as much money as they do, he's not as good of a handyman as they are, he hasn't given you a mansion to live in or extra cash to throw away on superficial and unnecessary materialistic things. you tell him that he's got nothing for you to brag about around others, and ask why he isn't more like those husbands that the bitches at your workplace talk about day after day, hour after hour.
sometimes you say it as a joke, sometimes you say it out of pure envy of other women, sometimes you say it just because you're so damn tired of worrying about financial woes you need to distract yourself with something else.
for whatever reason you say the damn things you say, i don't care. it doesn't excuse it, it doesn't make it sound any better. and i'm not sure how dad reacts to it either, maybe he takes it as a joke, maybe he takes it as your way of venting out to him after a bad day, maybe it hurts his ego a little bit, but it doesn't matter to me how he takes it, I personally hate it when you do it.
do you ever hear us complaining about you? okay well yes, we do, all families complain and whine about each other, it's only human. but we never compare you to other people and make you feel as if you're not and will never be good enough. i don't say, damn, why isn't my mom like whoever's mom, hooks her up with great opportunities, gives her a job under the family company and pays her way more than she deserves, buys her a car when she doesn't even have a license, and lets her spend as much money as she possibly wants without question, and doesn't even make her do household chores or clean her room. why does she get a mom like that and my mom's nowhere close? where's my lamborghini and fattened up bank account? and when has dad said anything like, oh why can't my wife be like whoever's wife, she does all the chores and takes care of the kids without complaint, she's successful and makes enough money for the both of us so i don't have to work as hard, she knows how to deal with household finances so that's something i'd never have to worry about, she's a woman that can do a man's job and helps me out in the business world as much as the family life. why can't my wife be like that?!
HAVE YOU EVER HEARD US SAY THAT?! NO. because we love you and we're thankful for you and we embrace all imperfections that you have, we make up for the times where you fall short. we don't have false expectations of you and we don't hope that one day we'll wake up to a brand new you because if you weren't slightly neurotic and an absolute worrywart, if you weren't super loud and rowdy at the wrongest and most embarrassing moments, if you didn't have a weak bladder and always needed to use the bathroom regardless of who had it first (ie. ME), if you weren't as speedy as you are and always be the first to finish dinner and pretty much everything else, if you weren't the most evil competitor in games of mahjong where you'd trick dad into letting you win, if you weren't ALL those things, you wouldn't be the wife dad knew and loved, the mother i knew and loved, you wouldn't be you and things will just not be the same. are we a dysfunctional family? i think not, i think we're fairly normal. i mean can you imagine all the things that could go wrong in a family? i don't even have to go into detail, it's easy to sum up. what if dad had an affair and cheated on you and had kids with another woman? what if i never sleep at home and i'm out on the streets having sex with strangers and doing drugs? would you then wonder why i wasn't like that kid of your friend's who got into harvard? would you then wonder why dad doesn't make hundreds of dollars an hour like your colleague's husband? i think not.
so please mother, stop comparing dad to other people. i don't want to call any other person father except for the one i've got right now. he's the one you fell in love with, he's the one that you're still in love with, and vice versa, so don't take that for granted and be grateful that you've had a long and lasting marriage, because those don't come easy. treasure the happy moments you've got with one another and remember that whatever hardships come your way you're not alone. you've got this wonderful man to rely on who's been good to you and good to your daughter, so don't make him any less than he deserves because he deserves so much more from the both of us.
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